Lights Out! Chaos Ensues! Billions Die Flaming Death Caused By Lack Of Electricity!

Um, yeah. In case you live in a hole you may go to my favorite paper The New York Post and update yourself.

This event made me realize 2 things. 1. We are really way to reliant on Electricity. 2. Why? Because when it goes we all turn into zombies. I flipped on the TV to see what amounted to a million zombies making their way across the Hudson river on foot via whatever the hell bridge goes into Lower Manhattan.

I can't offer an answer for the people who just had to get home. But it struck me that they filled the streets so quickly, that even if the city opted to enact emergency transpot services they couldn't because there were 100 million people jamming the roads solid. What happened to logic? Either I'm a genius or most people lack common sense. At least wait for authorities to try and organize something to help the situation. I'm betting that didn't happen. "Well, trains are down. Guess I'll walk."

Now, when power goes out at my house I have a system of candles throughout the house that I can find because I know their approximate location. If worse comes to worse, I have a generator and several tanks of gas in the garage which will power my house for a few days.

And TV? Shoot. I have books. If it's really bad I know the cops will show up and let me know. Probably take all the weapons I don't own when they visit.

But it appears in the event of a national emergency, most of us will trample each other to death. That's both frightning and sad.

If You Get It Don't Get If From "Blender"

Yeah, Blender Magazine is an abomination. In 50 steps they managed to identify themselves as a tool of the major labels. With the exception of a small number of entries, the majority of the bands they labeled as the "50 Worst Ever" were actual musicians. Among the names mentioned were Jamiroquai, Tin Machine, The Doors, Whitesnake, Gipsy Kings, Creed, Manowar, and Insane Clown Posse. Blender's editor, Andy Pemberton, said: "If I were any of these groups, I would be angry about making the list - but they should be better. It's their fault they're on it." -Source NY Post

Um, and who the hell are you, Lady? I can just imagine what this tool of the major labels would name the top 50 bands of all time are. Nirvana - lead by an upset manic depressive who's band just happened to alter the course of rock music, Disturbed - who know all of three chords, Aerosmith - because, hell, they've been on every other 50 all time greatest lists.

I can just imagine what Blender would say about people on my top 100... Spit Like This, Annihilator, At-Vance, Poison, Savatage, Circle II Circle etc. Probably, "Metal is dead. "

Well, I don't recall anyone on this planet naming Blender the music authority, what's more I think the magazine just proved itself to be a huge wad of colorful toilet paper that costs $4.99 a roll. If anyone out there is taking what this magazine says as "gospel" - may I suggest attaching a cinder block to your foot and wading into the Hudson river?

Why Metal? Why Not Jazz Or Classical?

I run into people everyday who just don't get it. And trying to explain it is a near impossible task. Now when I say "Heavy Metal" I do not mean this pre fab "Nu Metal" garbage the American Major Labels turn out. I mean Classic, Progressive, and Power Metal.

So why is it so great?

Anyone who knows me knows I am all about screaming guitars, vocalists with 3 octave ranges, and big big ass drums. I mean, lower the drummer in with a crane because its so big.

But it's been asked, "Is there any musical depth to your loud music?"

Yes.

Take At Vance, coverers of Classical pieces including Beethoven's 5th. Include a generous offering of music with a similar mood as the classic piece and you have a band that transcends many of it's peers.

Or perhaps you would choose Stratovarius, who's new Album Elements includes a huge choir.

Having some snot nosed little 16 year old brat call my music "P***y Metal" who obviously has obviously never listened to his own bands closely, such as Disturbed or Godsmack. Three chords, angry vocals about how everything sucks and completely disposable.

The only comparable band I have on my docket would be the immortal Annihilator. This Thrash Metal band could smoke both above mentioned bands. Jeff can crank out insane power chords with the best of them. But he also knows how to add Jazz licks, clean electric, phazers, flangers, wah wah (rarely) - you name it - all in the same song. And Annihilator's lyrics tend to be about losing one's sanity. We can all identify with that.

What about parents? "Jes' mo o' dat loud crap if you ask me!" Well, think of your Jazz or Big Band.

There is musical depth to the Metal I listen to. It's often deep, thought provoking, often romantic, and always full of substance. It's a musical ride through the human psyche and the winding, twisting road that is life.

Hence, I quote Stratovarious:
Will there come a time for me when I find peace of mind?
Will I always have this feeling like I'm last in the line?
I will climb up the mountain and light up the candle and ask:
"Will my soul ever rest in peace?" Will My Soul Ever Rest In Peace? From Intermission.

Yeah, that was from a Heavy Metal band. Go ahead and put it in a box with other loud music. You're pure d wrong.

Auto Makers Can't Seem To Make Enough

Last night I had to partake of what most would deem a very simple task, changing spark plugs. Except the act was anything but simple. A dip stick and coolant reservoir stood in the way of my ratchet. To remove the original plugs we had to get around both items. After some help from my father and one of the craziest ass wrench setups you've ever seen, we fanagled the final plug out from behind the coolant bottle. We still had 3 more plugs in the rear of the engine which required removing the air filter.

Then, it donned on me. This engine was intentionally built to be difficult to work on. Granted, it was a V-6 stuffed under the hood of a 4 cylinder car, but it was done so by the manufacturer. Additionally, this isn't the first car I noticed was a pain to work on.

Nope, my 1987 Ford Escort had it's quips. Such as to adjust the timing chain, you needed a special wrench that only Ford makes that will set you back (at that time) $75.00.

Despite an abundance of Chiltons manuals for do-it-yourselfers, auto parts stores that can get you anything from a serpintine belt (another awful invention, by the way), to a transmission, Auto makers seem to try to kick it up a notch with each new car they design. Problem some 3rd brake lights that are permanently fastened with steel brackets to their housing, oil pans located next to major eletrical circuits which will shower sparks on you if you aren't careful when using the oil filter wrench, and to top it all off cute little signs all over your new car "Please see a dealer for service." Right, like if I need a pro to work on my car I'm going to to the one guy on this planet that will molest my wallet. Um... No.

Oil changes, light bulb changes, and tune-ups are not something you should need to visit the dealer for. And if every yahoo on this planet did visit the dealer for these mundane items, people looking for service on warranrty problems would never be seen.

I'm not sure what the mind game here is the auto industry is playing with us, but I am sure it should stop. It's pointless and people like myself will never go to Mad Charlie's Used Chryslers for a lightbulb.

The California Train Wreck

If you read Yahoo, you realize, either this is a good thing that this bunch of daisies are running or it's a bad thing.

Look at it this way. Either we'll have a group of canidates worth voting for this presedential election year, or, we'll be choosing between David Duchovny, Rip Taylor, Opie And Anthony, and George Bush.

I suppose we should be voting for at least one canidate who is somewhat normal (and it's a sad day when I consider Rip Taylor more normal than a political canidate, but I do). In fact, your average "pompous middle-aged farmer" hasn't be voted for since the early times when this country was founded. Even Abe Lincoln was a lawyer!

So why now are all the canidates a bunch of legal contrarians? Well, that would be because the rest of us are too intimidated to run. As we should be. Who's going to vote for a 27 year old Radio Personality? The lawyer has to be more intelligent, right?

Well let's narrow this down, junior. Who do you think is trying to be more honest with you?

But I think that's not the issue. The issue may actually be that this country can't deal with the truth which makes sense if you consider the fact that every politician we've ever voted into office lied to us one way or another. And we actually act surpised!

If, say, Opie And Anthony were voted for, yes, true we'd have a national WOW campaign, it would bee considered cool to spank interns in the oval office and they'd both be complete sexual deviants. But at the same time, the BS would be right where we could see it. Why? Because Opie and Anthony represent the average human being. And most of us, last time I checked, don't all have law degrees.

So my applause goes to California. If you ask me, the super human canidates are the lawyer types we've been voting for for the last 200 years and they're so full of s it comes out of their ears.